Task Force on Mentoring

The art of mentoring

Public/Private Ventures, a Philadelphia research institution, studied Big Brothers/Big Sisters mentors throughout the country.

They found that the most effective mentor:
1. …is a good friend
2. …is a good listener
3. …maintains a positive attitude
4. …makes the time together pleasant
5. …is realistic about goals for the mentee
6. …lets the mentee play a role in choosing activities
7. …lets the mentee take control over issues to discuss
8. …is dependable and worthy of the mentee’s trust
9. …takes responsibility for building the relationship

1. The most effective mentor is a good friend.
Mentors are special friends who play an important role in the life of a mentee. They are not like parents, but more like the ideal older sibling. They role model, assist, guide, provide fun times and help with problems. They are not counselors or social workers.

2. The most effective mentor is a good listener.
Mentors learn to be good listeners. When a youth begins to communicate and reveal feelings and concerns, the mentor’s reaction will determine if this kind of communication will continue. Listening, responding with attention and interest and not criticizing help demonstrate that the mentor is supportive and caring, rather than an authority figure. Listening gives the mentee a chance to “vent” and talk about personal matters that he/she might not share with other people.

3. The most effective mentor maintains a positive attitude
Mentees often have difficulties that lead to poor self-esteem. By focusing on the talents, assets and strengths of a youth, the mentor can help build self-confidence, self-esteem and cultural pride. Mentors who provide positive reinforcement give the youth a chance to feel better about him/herself. Simply encouraging or praising helps. Offering to assist with a problem helps.
Positive reinforcement comes in small packages, in words such as:

Wonderful!
That was terrific!
I knew you could do it!
You look wonderful!
You did a great job!
I am so pleased that you said/did that.
What a wonderful thing to say.
I am impressed!
Awesome!
You did it!
I love spending this time with you.
It makes my week.

4. The most effective mentor makes the time together pleasant.
Having fun together is important. Mentees look forward to this special time with their own, personal mentor. Sometimes their lives are difficult, so this hour or two helps cheer them up and makes them feel that someone truly cares about their happiness and well-being. If the mentor is having fun, that’s a sign to the youth that the adult likes him/her.

5. The most effective mentor is realistic about goals for the mentee.
Goals for your mentee must be realistic, attainable and mutually acceptable. In the early months, the focus should be on developing a solid, healthy relationship. It is important to look at the “whole” child, to help the mentee develop into a responsible, caring adult. Be certain that the mentee has the same goals in mind that you do. Find out what the youth wants to accomplish and work towards that. Strong mentoring relationships can be life changing, but this takes patience and time

6. The most effective mentor lets the mentee play a role in choosing activities.
Choosing activities is critical, since time with the mentee must be pleasant for both people. Fun activities can build the relationship and lead to trust. They can help relieve tension. They show the mentee that you care. They pave the way for more serious interaction later.
What can you do each week?

7. The most effective mentor lets the mentee take control over issues to discuss.
The activities you do will enable you to develop a relationship and communicate. Listening and talking are primary goals in a mentoring relationship. Communicating is not always easy for the mentee, especially in the early months, so give it time. As trust develops, communication will become easier. Respect the emotional needs of your mentee and watch for openings to talk about particular issues or concerns. Be gentle. Let your mentee know you are a safe person to confide in. Gain trust and safeguard that trust.

8. The most effective mentor is dependable and worthy of the mentee’s trust.
Be consistent, supportive, responsible and dependable. If you disagree or lecture, the mentee might be reluctant to trust you again. Listen. Show you understand. Clarify what you think you heard. Remember to tell your mentee that you are there to help, be there and listen. Model behavior rather than lecture. If your mentee asks for advice, provide options and point out possible problems and possible solutions. If you are upset by something the mentee says and you feel you must express this, do so with understanding, compassion, concern and acceptance. Be calm. Control your emotions.

9. The most effective mentor takes responsibility for building the relationship.
The initial stages of building your relationship are the hardest. It takes time. It is important to be patient, understanding and caring. Ask questions, listen attentively and hear. Be in the moment. Stay focused on the mentee. The adult must be responsible for setting meeting times and following through. Mentees might not be responsible, but the mentor must accept this and work towards a better relationship. Role model. Don’t expect positive feedback, but understand that the youth appreciates your support. Provide ongoing positive feedback every time you are together.